Is Self-Love Selfish?

I’ve observed a certain fear and uneasiness around the topic of self-love. Some feel uncomfortable with the term because they immediately link it to selfishness. After all, isn’t unconditional self-love the purest form of egoism? 

Let me tell you here and now AND VERY LOUD that nothing could be further from the truth! 😄 I’ll explain why in a second.

First of all, I’d like to differentiate that there are two kinds of self-love. They are like two extreme poles on a spectrum. The first one is the kind I’d call healthy, unconditional self-love. It’s better for your health than any super food you’ll ever find on this planet! Unconditional self-love says, “I love myself NO MATTER WHAT. I say YES to myself in the sunshine and in the rain. My YES doesn’t depend on my performance, perfection or the lack of it.”

Then, there’s the other kind that I consider unhealthy or egoistic. I hesitate to even call it self-love because it corrupts this positive term, which in its original form is vital for any healthy development! It’s found on the opposite side of the spectrum. No McDonalds or any other junk food can harm you as much as this type of “self-love.” It says, “It’s all about ME. MY reputation is the only thing that matters and MY personal gain is of the utmost importance. Everything and everyone else has to submit to that and work towards it.” 

No one can be on both ends of the spectrum simultaneously. It is just not possible! If you are full of healthy self-love, you cannot be full of selfishness at the same time. Let’s oversimplify the whole scenario and use a scale from 1 - 10. A low number in self-love automatically means a high number in selfishness. For instance, a 3 in self-love, allows space for 7 points of egotism. A higher number in self-love, like a 6, only gives way for 4 points of egotism. And, YES, I argue for a 10 in unconditional self-love because it leaves zero room for selfishness. It’s simply not needed anymore!

Let me explain why by taking you to a zero self-love scenario: When we have zero self-love, we experience no fulfillment INSIDE ourselves. There is no peace or joy about ourselves. We feel empty and imprisoned in the sentiment of never being enough. The only way to escape this INNER horror is to look for relief on the OUTSIDE! We start seeking approval and validation from others like crayzay!!! We become driven by the need to be seen, heard, approved, accepted, and of course to be LOVED. Egoistic behavior at its core shouts: “The OUTSIDE has to relief me! YOU have to fill MY INSIDE! YOU are responsible for MY happiness and for MY love tank to be full! Because I feel no self-worth, YOU have to make ME feel good about myself!” 

We are ALL capable of this type of behavior! In fact, this was the story of my life - and sometimes STILL is! 🙈😄 I’m not here to beat myself up or to judge others. I’m here to offer a solution for myself and for anybody who’ll listen. 😊 

There is only ONE WAY to get rid of selfish and narcissistic behavior - and it’s growing in healthy self-love! 😍  As we embark on this journey to love ourselves more, we’ll find more and more value, acceptance, validation and love INSIDE ourselves. It’s the kind of love that FILLS us in a way the outside could never accomplish. Literally no one can do this for us! Not our partners, nor our children, colleagues or BFFs  - not even God! YOU are the only one who has control over what you think about yourself! 💡🥰

Now, experienced self-love sends a VERY different signal to the outside world. While egoism selfishly demands attention and fulfillment from others, self-love confidently declares, “I am perfectly enough! YOU can RELAX around me because YOU are no longer responsible for my happiness. Nobody on the outside has to make me feel good about myself because I already feel LOVED and VALUABLE on the inside.” 

You see, a HIGH self-love has a LOW need for the outside to fulfill it, which means that selfishness crumbles and shrinks. 

I challenge you this week to become an observer of yourself (an observer, not a judge!):

❤️ Are you less inclined to demand attention from others when you experience sincere self-love?

❤️ Is it true that you act more selfishly when you don’t love yourself?

❤️ Are you trying to get others to fulfill your needs more than you fulfill them for yourself?

Observation is a great tool. The aim is to understand ourselves better, not to judge ourselves. Self-accusation actually sets us up for more of the same behavior we are intentionally trying to fight. More about that in my next blog! 🤗